I started seeing a therapist. I don't know what good it will do, but I can't just go around crying all the time. It's not really constant, but the littlest things will bring on a bout that seems to last forever. I need to learn how to cope.
Like the other day in Michaels, they have the new 2009/2010 calendars out. First thing I always do when I pick up a new calendar is flip through and look for my birthday. Next thing I do is flip through and look for Lori's birthday. Her 2009 birthday is only a few months away and we already have plans for that, but as I started to flip to 2010, I couldn't even turn the pages. I just started having all these horrible thoughts. My eyes got all blurry and I just had to go out to the car and have a good cry.
So, the first "therapy" session was really just getting to know each other. Her name is Alice. I think I'm going to like her. She also has late hours and Saturday hours so it doesn't interrupt my work schedule. And when I called her office to make the appointment, she answered the phone herself!
I visit with her again this week, so we'll see how things go and if she has any suggestions for me to help keep things under control.
Cat
Monday, September 08, 2008
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Live your dreams
Believe me, I don't have any kind of morbid fixation and I am not searching out posts on death and dying, but a link in an AOL story led me to a recent post on this blog, Diary of a Dying Mom, and then I was driven to find out why she had started writing the blog in the first place. So, I went back to her very early blog entries where she does explain why, and I found this beautifully written paragraph about living.
Great advice for anyone at any age, wouldn't you say? And kids know how to do it best. Stop to look at that pretty flower growing out of the crack in the concrete, for tomorrow it may be gone. Put the dirty dinner dishes aside and spend half an hour making funny faces with your kids before they go to bed. Make wishes on stars, and lay on your back in the grass while you're doing it. These are the things that memories are made of.
As for me, Lori and I are still going to take that trip to Buenavista this year to find the perfect spot for the retirement casita. I know Lori won't be sharing the casita or the retirement with me as we had planned, but that doesn't mean that she can't share in the planning and make memories with me that I'll be smiling over as I drink my morning cup of Nescafe on the patio years from now.
Cat
Why tell you all this? Misery loves company? I don’t think that is it although I feel less alone when I tell my friends how I am feeling. What I really want to say to all of you is go outside and run. Feel the wind in your hair and the cool air on your cheeks. Run until you feel tired and then be grateful your body lets you do that. Sing at the top if your lungs (even if you sing as badly as Bill does), dance in your bedroom, take the trip that you are dying to take, do the things that make you happy, etc. Bill’s grandfather lived to be 89 and was healthy enough to bike and golf until the last few months of his life; few people are that lucky. Someday you may not be able to do the things that you love so make sure you do them now, while you can. Everything we all said in the days after 9/11, all the promises that we made – spoken or unspoken – need to be made good on. Enjoy the ride folks just in case we only get one go around.
Great advice for anyone at any age, wouldn't you say? And kids know how to do it best. Stop to look at that pretty flower growing out of the crack in the concrete, for tomorrow it may be gone. Put the dirty dinner dishes aside and spend half an hour making funny faces with your kids before they go to bed. Make wishes on stars, and lay on your back in the grass while you're doing it. These are the things that memories are made of.
As for me, Lori and I are still going to take that trip to Buenavista this year to find the perfect spot for the retirement casita. I know Lori won't be sharing the casita or the retirement with me as we had planned, but that doesn't mean that she can't share in the planning and make memories with me that I'll be smiling over as I drink my morning cup of Nescafe on the patio years from now.
Cat
ARGH Moments
I always know how to put my foot in my mouth. I just open my mouth and words pour out before I even think about them. Here are just two examples, but I'm sure there are many more that I still don't even realize I said. Either I'm incredibly naive, impossibly stupid, or some combination of both.
Lori was talking about trying to make her will and how difficult it was because with the stock market the way it is, the value of her investments keeps dropping and she isn't able to leave people with the amount of money she had wanted to.
LORI: My 401K has gone down by about 15% in value just since January.
ME: Mine too. But I figure if I just wait it out, the market has to come back up in a few years.
LORI: Wellll......ARGH!
We were driving down the street and we saw two brightly dressed old ladies in the car next to us.
LORI: I always wanted to be like that lady.
ME: What, old?
LORI: That would be nice too, but I meant eccentric...
DOUBLE ARGH!
I have really got to start thinking about things before I say them.
Cat
Lori was talking about trying to make her will and how difficult it was because with the stock market the way it is, the value of her investments keeps dropping and she isn't able to leave people with the amount of money she had wanted to.
LORI: My 401K has gone down by about 15% in value just since January.
ME: Mine too. But I figure if I just wait it out, the market has to come back up in a few years.
LORI: Wellll......
We were driving down the street and we saw two brightly dressed old ladies in the car next to us.
LORI: I always wanted to be like that lady.
ME: What, old?
LORI: That would be nice too, but I meant eccentric...
I have really got to start thinking about things before I say them.
Cat
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
A Bittersweet Trip
I've been back about a week now, and there has been so much to think about that it's been hard to sit down and put it all out there.
The trip was bittersweet. It had it's great moments as Lori and I giggled together over silly things the way only two sisters can. It had it's medium-sad moments as Ava kept telling me how much she would miss me when I left, but I promised her I would be back to visit often. Little does she know the reason why. And it had it's really rough moments as Lori discussed her estate planning, the progress of her illness and some of her wishes for the later stages.
We didn't get into too much detail with most of it. Lori could tell that I'm not ready yet. I think I'm still in the denial stage. She still walks (well, with a limp), she still drives, goes places on her own, can still manage most of her household responsibilities. How can she be gone in less than 2 years???? I still can't even think about it without crying. I'd better get it all out now, though, because at some point I imagine I will have to be her rock, and a slippery, wet rock just won't do now, will it?
She seems to have a remarkably good attitude. She says she's done her crying, and she's accepted it. The way she sees it is that she is no different from anyone else - we all die - she just happens to know the when and the how of it. She actually feels that she is luckier than most in that by knowing in advance she has time to plan for it and take care of all that must be done.
She is a strong, strong person and I'm glad Ava will get to spend some time learning from her, no matter how much time that turns out to be.
Cat
The trip was bittersweet. It had it's great moments as Lori and I giggled together over silly things the way only two sisters can. It had it's medium-sad moments as Ava kept telling me how much she would miss me when I left, but I promised her I would be back to visit often. Little does she know the reason why. And it had it's really rough moments as Lori discussed her estate planning, the progress of her illness and some of her wishes for the later stages.
We didn't get into too much detail with most of it. Lori could tell that I'm not ready yet. I think I'm still in the denial stage. She still walks (well, with a limp), she still drives, goes places on her own, can still manage most of her household responsibilities. How can she be gone in less than 2 years???? I still can't even think about it without crying. I'd better get it all out now, though, because at some point I imagine I will have to be her rock, and a slippery, wet rock just won't do now, will it?
She seems to have a remarkably good attitude. She says she's done her crying, and she's accepted it. The way she sees it is that she is no different from anyone else - we all die - she just happens to know the when and the how of it. She actually feels that she is luckier than most in that by knowing in advance she has time to plan for it and take care of all that must be done.
She is a strong, strong person and I'm glad Ava will get to spend some time learning from her, no matter how much time that turns out to be.
Cat
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Seattle, here I come!
Just a little over one more week until I see my sister! This trip has already been planned for a long while. Ava and I are flying out to Seattle (Hi Travis & Candice!) on the 18th to stay for a week.
It had been planned that Ava would stay with Lori for a year. She would attend Montessori school while Tara had time off, hopefully to grow up. If Tara's behavior didn't change radically, we would regroup in a year and make more permanent plans for Ava.
Of course, as it will, life got in the way of our well thought out plans. We are now thinking that Ava will stay in Seattle until Christmastime. She is soooo excited to go to school out there that she has been talking about little else but that for months, and Lori did not want to disappoint her. I suspect that Lori did not want to disappoint herself either, she really loves being around my little mija.
Everything is very fluid right now, as Lori isn't sure sure how well she will manage now with a four year old, but I think 3 months will work out perfectly. Her boyfriend is there to help, and Ava will be in school 4 days a week. Maybe it will be good therapy. For both of them - Lori and Ava.
Along with being excited about the trip, I'm a little scared and nervous. Lori says not to be surprised by her appearance, I'm not sure exactly what that means. I know there will be some very emotional times, especially since I know she wants to talk to me about some of her wishes for "after". When can you ever be ready for a conversation like that with your sister?
But we still have some bittersweet moments of laughter. Every time I visit Seattle, she's like a whirlwind tour guide, keeping me on the go from early in the morning until late at night, running from here to there, with activities planned every single day. I was telling her that I really need some rest, and I'd rather stick around the house a little more this time. She says, "Don't worry Cathi, you'll find that I've slowed down considerably." So we both got a chuckle out of that.
Cat
Thursday, August 07, 2008
It's not that easy trying to find information about ALS. There are a lot of websites, but it's mostly the same basic information, almost the same exact words, over and over again.
Even the message boards aren't that great. Some of them just aren't very active, some of them are too broad so you only see a question or two about ALS, and most of the rest are filled only with posts such as "I felt a muscle twitch in my leg. Do I have ALS?" Not very helpful.
But I did find one great message board. If you know anyone with ALS, who cares for a person with ALS, or who has a friend or family member with ALS, send them to the ALS Forums for support. There's a wonderful group of people over there, all of whom have different outlooks to offer, and very much knowledge and support, with a huge helping of care and love thrown in. I haven't posted there yet, I'm still lurking, but from what I've seen, I know I'll be jumping right in one of these days.
Cat
Even the message boards aren't that great. Some of them just aren't very active, some of them are too broad so you only see a question or two about ALS, and most of the rest are filled only with posts such as "I felt a muscle twitch in my leg. Do I have ALS?" Not very helpful.
But I did find one great message board. If you know anyone with ALS, who cares for a person with ALS, or who has a friend or family member with ALS, send them to the ALS Forums for support. There's a wonderful group of people over there, all of whom have different outlooks to offer, and very much knowledge and support, with a huge helping of care and love thrown in. I haven't posted there yet, I'm still lurking, but from what I've seen, I know I'll be jumping right in one of these days.
Cat
Sunday, July 27, 2008
OK...here goes
Alright, let me take a few deep breaths here. In....Out...In...Out...
Oops, forgot the Xanax. \_/ o ----- A few more breaths... now I'm ready.
Some of you know that my sister has been sick for a number of years(4+) with a progressive "muscle" disorder that a gazillion doctors could not diagnose. We've been calling it 'the disease with no name', for lack of anything better to call it. She has been through useless and unnecessary surgeries; treatments from A to Z including one where they infuse a blood component called IVIG (and charge her insurance $5000/month); diagnosed with ulnar nerve compression, carpal tunnel syndrome, herniated disks, ms and various other muscle disorders, arthritis, lyme disease, tumors, a number of different autoimmune diseases and everything around, about, and in between except for what they have now decided she really has (and what she says she knew in her own mind that she had all along and had asked MDs several times about).
ALS, sometimes called Lou Gehrig's disease. And now that they took so long to come around to giving her the correct diagnosis, she is near the end stages of the disease where it has started progressing faster and we will be lucky if we have another 18 months with her.
It is never easy to hear about terminal illness of a loved one, but this is a particularlarly insidious disease. I have provided a couple of links above in case you don't know much about it.
She does have a live-in boyfriend, but she will be requiring an enormous amount of caregiving. I am not really in a state of mind to make major life decisions, but I am 99% sure that I will be moving to Seattle to help him care for her AND to spend as much time as I can with her, for however long she has. Besides being my sister, she is truly my best friend, and if it were me who were ill, I would want her near me.
I'm worn out, and the Xanax is kicking in and I'm falling asleep. I'll post more when I can.
Cat
Oops, forgot the Xanax. \_/ o ----- A few more breaths... now I'm ready.
Some of you know that my sister has been sick for a number of years(4+) with a progressive "muscle" disorder that a gazillion doctors could not diagnose. We've been calling it 'the disease with no name', for lack of anything better to call it. She has been through useless and unnecessary surgeries; treatments from A to Z including one where they infuse a blood component called IVIG (and charge her insurance $5000/month); diagnosed with ulnar nerve compression, carpal tunnel syndrome, herniated disks, ms and various other muscle disorders, arthritis, lyme disease, tumors, a number of different autoimmune diseases and everything around, about, and in between except for what they have now decided she really has (and what she says she knew in her own mind that she had all along and had asked MDs several times about).
ALS, sometimes called Lou Gehrig's disease. And now that they took so long to come around to giving her the correct diagnosis, she is near the end stages of the disease where it has started progressing faster and we will be lucky if we have another 18 months with her.
It is never easy to hear about terminal illness of a loved one, but this is a particularlarly insidious disease. I have provided a couple of links above in case you don't know much about it.
She does have a live-in boyfriend, but she will be requiring an enormous amount of caregiving. I am not really in a state of mind to make major life decisions, but I am 99% sure that I will be moving to Seattle to help him care for her AND to spend as much time as I can with her, for however long she has. Besides being my sister, she is truly my best friend, and if it were me who were ill, I would want her near me.
I'm worn out, and the Xanax is kicking in and I'm falling asleep. I'll post more when I can.
Cat
I think I'm numb now
I made it through the day, kind of. We planned a phone call to arrive so that I would be there with my mom while she received the news. We cried together, my mom and I, and then I plodded through the rest of the day. Remarkably, one foot fell in step with the other, time after time. Air filled my lungs, though I had thought I would suffocate. Sounds came out of my mouth, and they resembled words, but I would be at a loss if I had to remember anything that I said or heard during this day, while I watched other people in amazement, going about their normal lives as if the world had not just ended.
One day at a time, Cat, one day at a time.......
One day at a time, Cat, one day at a time.......
What is my mood today? SAD
I received the most shocking and devastating phone call of my life yesterday. It makes every other thing that has ever happened in my life seem insignificant. I can't even speak of it without crying, and as I write this I am crying yet again.
I have to process this news, wrap my head around it, make myself believe it. I don't know how I can ever accept it.
Hopefully, over the next few days, I will be able to share it with you, my friends. For now, just please pray that I will have the strength to be there for those who will need me.
Cat
I have to process this news, wrap my head around it, make myself believe it. I don't know how I can ever accept it.
Hopefully, over the next few days, I will be able to share it with you, my friends. For now, just please pray that I will have the strength to be there for those who will need me.
Cat
Thursday, July 24, 2008
McDonalds Math
I went to MickyD's today to buy a sandwich and a drink. The girl rings it up and tells me my total is $5.95. I'm just about to hand her my money when I realize that the amount is wrong. So I tell her that can't be right. She says it is. The conversation continues....
me: The chicken sandwich is $3.79, right?
her: Plus tax, it's $4.04.
(oh, yes, let's not forget the tax)
me: And the drink is $1.00.
her: Plus-
me: Right, plus tax. But $4.04 and a dollar plus tax does not equal $5.95.
her: Well, that's what it says.
("it" being the cash register, I suppose)
So, now we're at an impasse. She is just staring at the cash register, waiting for me to hand over $5.95 and I am just waiting at the counter for her to give me the correct total. Finally she calls another girl over (the manager was too busy standing in the corner eating an ice cream). The other girl shows her what she did wrong, apparently there was some kind of an override on the drink because it isn't always a dollar. The first girl is in in complete shock that the register could possibly have given her the incorrect amount to charge me.
What kind of education are our kids getting when they can't even add 4+1? What a shame!
Cat
me: The chicken sandwich is $3.79, right?
her: Plus tax, it's $4.04.
(oh, yes, let's not forget the tax)
me: And the drink is $1.00.
her: Plus-
me: Right, plus tax. But $4.04 and a dollar plus tax does not equal $5.95.
her: Well, that's what it says.
("it" being the cash register, I suppose)
So, now we're at an impasse. She is just staring at the cash register, waiting for me to hand over $5.95 and I am just waiting at the counter for her to give me the correct total. Finally she calls another girl over (the manager was too busy standing in the corner eating an ice cream). The other girl shows her what she did wrong, apparently there was some kind of an override on the drink because it isn't always a dollar. The first girl is in in complete shock that the register could possibly have given her the incorrect amount to charge me.
What kind of education are our kids getting when they can't even add 4+1? What a shame!
Cat
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